Also, I seriously love this new skin. How funky-awesome is it?

I’ve had this impression that online blogging would be a way to put my feelings down on e-paper; a way to let things out without worrying about what others think of me. But I find that at the end of the day I’m still a bit self-conscious about how all you lurkers out there perceive me. Defeats the purpose of why I’m blogging, doesn’t it?

Well, here’s to honest blogging. There’s no shame in what I’m going through now – downs and ups happen to everyone. Just gotta find something to latch on to while I’m a little more down.

Spend all your time waiting
For that second chance
For a break that would make it okay
There’s always some reason
To feel not good enough
And it’s hard at the end of the day

I need some distraction
Oh beautiful release
Memories seep from my veins
Let me be empty
Oh and weightless and maybe
I’ll find some peace tonight

In the arms of the angel
Fly away from here
From this dark cold hotel room
And the endlessness that you fear

You are pulled from the wreckage
Of your silent reverie
You’re in the arms of the angel
May you find some comfort here

So tired of the straight line
And everywhere you turn
There’s vultures and thieves at your back
The storm keeps on twisting
Keep on building the lies
That you make up for all that you lack

It don’t make no difference
Escaping one last time
It’s easier to believe
In this sweet madness
Oh this glorious sadness
That brings me to my knees

In the arms of the angel
Fly away from here
From this dark cold hotel room
And the endlessness that you fear

You are pulled from the wreckage
Of your silent reverie
You’re in the arms of the angel
May you find some comfort here

You’re in the arms of the angel
May you find some comfort here

- Sarah McLachlan

Or maybe I am living a lie. Everyone lies to some extent don’t they?

I’m an expert at lying to myself.

What’s the point of saying, doing, and feeling when I’m not really there? It feels like I never really stepped out of the cage; I simply blindfolded myself with a rough rag peppered with expectations and deception. And that rag’s been scratching my eyes for quite some time, wearing me down. There’s even some blood on my shirt, which is probably the reason why I’ve noticed that something’s not right.

It might be time to start looking for ways to untie the knot, but how will I know that I’m not simply tying another blindfold to cover my façade?

Kind of disappointing that all the progress I thought was there has simply vanished. Like a puff of smoke.

Gone.

There’s no place like home…

Instead of returning to a warm hearth
you’re jumping into a raging fire that
consumes everything around it.
Even the slightest spark can set it alight
as long as there’s
fuel for the fire.

Eyes wide from fear
hoping and praying
that it’ll all end soon
torn
between wanting to help and
wanting to hide
to cry
to feel safe.
Why aren’t the walls blocking out the screams?

There’s no place like home…

All grown up now
but the scars still hurt.
Just under the surface until something,
someone,
pokes and prods and
the pain comes flooding back.

So tell me, friend
how do I mend the wounds and
undo the pain?
How do I learn
to live
to love
when all I’ve known burns like
hot metal and steam?

Scared of many things;

of him, and

for the girls and for mum.
They worry and I don’t want them to…

but deep inside I’m glad they do.

Scared that things will take a wrong turn
and I’ll be the one behind the wheel.

That the reason why I’m doing this
is not to stand my ground for their sake
but to keep him away from me
because his anger and lies are too much to take.

That behind these veils and dark grey clouds
more uncertainty awaits
more confusion, pain
more red eyes

But worst of all more fake smiles…

AlhamduliLlah bro, things are fine.

Just keep smiling
No point in them knowing

… until the vicious cycle starts all over again.

Regarding whether to marry or not, the best choice for a worshipper is that which is safer from a religious point of view, better for his heart, and more conducive to collected thinking. It is extremely reprehensible for those who are not married to think about women in a manner which increases their desire for them. Anyone thus afflicted, and unable to control it with acts of worship, must get married. If he is unable to, let him fast, for this diminishes desire.

The Book of Assistance (Imam al-Haddad)

better for his heart
conducive to collected thinking
unable to control it
with acts of worship
fast
desire

honest reflection
dhikr and fikr
solitude has its price
but am I willing to pay it?

Chastity and purity have always been the great virtues that come naturally to women but which men must learn. The Qur’an uses Mary, the mother of Christ, as the great paragon of chastity and purity of the heart and describes her as an ideal. “And God has made an example for those who believe of Mary who guarded her chastity, so We breathed some of Our spirit into her, and she confirmed the pronouncements and the scriptures of her Lord, and she was among the devout. (66/11-12).”

It is from women then, that men learn chastity and purity, which in turn protect the sacred nature of women, alluded to in the Arabic word for woman, hurmah, which means “what is sacred.” Now, the failure of men in imitating women in their natural virtue has resulted in women rejecting the double standard and imitating men in their natural vice.

The spiritual power of women is great, but so too is the power of their physical attraction to men. It is this power that causes vile men to want to dominate women, and virtuous men to honor and protect them. But that physical power of the female form over men is a sensory power that veils men from her metaphysical meaning. Her sensual form prevents the man lost in carnality from knowing her spiritual reality, that she is the source of mercy in the world. The Arabic and Hebrew word for womb (rahm) is derived from the word for mercy (rahma) and an expression of the creative power of God in man. In degrading woman, we degrade the highest qualities of our human nature; in elevating her, we elevate our highest nature. When her natural virtues—compassion, kindness, caring, selflessness, and love—predominate in men, men are able to overcome their natural vices and realize their full humanity. When, however, those virtues are absent, men descend to the lowest of the low and are worse than beasts. In unveiling the outward beauty of a woman, we become veiled from her inward beauty.

As a poet from the distant past wrote:

I said to my rose-cheeked lovely, “O you with bud-like mouth,
Why keep hiding your face, like flirting girls?”
She laughed and said, “Unlike the beauties of your world,
In the veil I’m seen, but without it I’m hidden.

Anyway, marriage has always been a sore point for me for a few reasons.  My parents’ relationship was a great example of how a marriage should not be – unless of course exploding projectiles and being kicked out of your own home are the sorts of things you’d include in your things-to-look-for-in-a-marriage list. On top of that, my siblings have had (several) bad experiences with relationships, and as far as I can tell, romantic relationships will leave you battered and broken. Period.

Oh, and the puffed-up eyes and sore noses are thrown in for good measure.

My therapist brought up this issue to me as well and asked me what my thoughts were on marriage and relationships in general. As usual, I came out saying that I had way too much on my plate and that marriage was not something that was on my mind. If I can’t even deal with my baggage, how am I supposed to deal with someone else’s?

After a bit of discussion (which involved my therapist offering to introduce me to some “nice ladies” she knew!), she said something that has really stuck in the back of my mind: Nobody goes into a marriage a finished product. Rather, we are all works-in-progress and marriage is another step in our development as individuals.

Your partner is supposed to be someone you can confide with, share your most intimate thoughts and feelings and someone you can depend on for support and comfort. In that sense, I can see how marriage provides a channel for self-development of both individuals.

But honestly I’m still not convinced. At least I’ve got some food for thought.

It’s pretty obvious I’m trying my best to stay away from this whole idea. As soon as someone mentions marriage, I’ve got my prepared script of me not being ready… yada yada. I have no close (single) female friends and I plan to keep it that way. Emotions are dangerous and make you do stupid things. They also make you lose yourself, and that’s generally not a good thing.

There have been times when women have tried to pry me open. Acquaintances become friends, and friends get closer. But one step too far and SLAM – my doors shut tight. You’re not welcome here. I’d imagine you’d be pretty confused at this point, since only a few days ago we were chatting away and now I’d avoid you and keep phone calls short and brief. Again, you’re not welcome here.

I’ll figure myself out first I think. That’s enough work for a lifetime though.